The More Loving One
by Kite kcc
Summary: Tonami Takefumi & Sakura Tsubaki: Is love ever equal? Part 1: Battle of Wills, Part 2: Seeing Through Different Eyes, Part 3: Confessions, Part 4: Confrontation, Part 5: Empty Heart, Empty Life, Part 6: Conclusion
1. Part One: Battle of Wills

The International Summer Schools ****

The More Loving One

A Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou Fan Fiction

by: KCC

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Disclaimer:

Rights to Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou belong to Masami Tsuda (manga), Hideaki Anno (anime) of Gainax and Right Stuff (anime - US release).

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Spoiler Warnings/ Note:

This is loosely based on the "14 Days" arc so, if you've never seen/ read this part of the anime or manga, don't read this fanfic.

***

How should we like it were stars to burn  
With a passion for us we could not return?   
If equal affection cannot be,   
Let the more loving one be me.

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  * W.H. Auden

***

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Part One

Tonami had looked forward to this moment since the day he left for Okinawa three years ago. 

He walked the halls of his new high school -- not really sure how he would find her. 

__

I'll know her when I see her. 

He had this image of her in his mind -- relished the many nights he had concocted and manipulated her image to suit his mood: witch, bitch, tomboy, psychopath, fat pig, demon from hell. 

It was his memory of her that pushed him to succeed and become who he was now.

He pretended not to hear the girls who whispered in admiration as he walked by. He pretended not to notice them eye him with interest.

He had spotted Rika Sena a few minutes ago. He grinned as he remembered the look on her face when she saw him. _Who would have thought I'd change so drastically? No one is going to be able to recognize me._

He knew Tsubaki Sakura was in section D, but that would have been too easy. He wanted to test if his mental picture of her was accurate. 

__

I wonder where she is right now.

***

"Tonami Takefumi?" _I wonder if it's him._ Tsubaki's brow wrinkled a little as she tried to recall the face to go with the name. _The kid who was always getting picked on in junior high._

She shrugged and continued eating -- pushing Tsubasa, who was helping herself to _her_ bento, aside. She smiled. "Wouldn't it be great if it were our Tonami Takefumi?"

Rika shook her head in response. "This guy didn't look at all like the Tonami we were classmates with."

"Aren't you a little worried?"

"Why should I be?" Tsubaki managed to grab the last rice ball before Tsubasa could gobble it up. _Trust Aya to bring up a good point._

"You were a little wild in junior high." Rika nodded -- agreeing with Aya's statement. "It's a good thing you've mellowed."

Tsubaki mused over what her long-time friends were saying. It was true, she was a wild devil in her younger days and she did remember how she treated Tonami Takefumi. She had long ago regretted her actions and had tried her best to change her ways.

"I'm better now." She mumbled, half-heartedly. "Much nicer, too." 

***

The rest of the day witnessed Tsubaki's growing depression. _What if it is him?_ She wasn't paying attention to her Science teacher. _Do I apologize? I wonder how I can make it up to him._ She doodled in her notebook -- drawing a volleyball net and the ball. 

Sports was her comfort. It was only when she was playing volleyball did she feel truly free to express herself. _I should go play basketball later. That always cheers me up._ She proceeded to sketch a basketball and a rough image of her making a dunk. _It couldn't be Tonami. Why would he come back here anyway?_ She heard the bell ring and breathed a sigh of relief. 

"Hey, what do you want to do during the break?" Rika, who sat in front of her, leaned over her desk.

"I'm thinking of going to the basketball courts to play a bit."

"Play what?" Aya approached them from her seat, dragged the chair beside Tsubaki and sat down.

"Basketball. I want to practice my dunks."

The two girls nodded. They looked over to Tsubasa who was listening to the Yinyang CD while eating Pocky™ and decided not to bother her.

***

He saw her then, as she and her friends were coming out of their classroom. He tried to assess how accurately he had pictured her. _Still the same short hair, the same confident swagger and yet... _

"There's something different about her." He muttered under his breath, watching Tsubaki Sakura walk by his classroom. 

He watched as her short skirt swirled around her legs that would have been too long and lanky on someone else, but were perfect on Tsubaki. His eyes widened as he observed her smooth and elegant hand tuck her hair behind her ear, exposing more of her healthy, glowing complexion.

__

She could be a model. 

"She used to be such a tomboy." He hadn't expected her to be this beautiful. "A minor setback in my plans." He grinned and decided to see where she was going. _Time to put the plan into action._

***

She was getting ready to try to dunk the ball again. _The last one was close. I just need more leverage._ Tsubaki ignored the sweat the streaked from her forehead down to her chin. _I'm sure I'll be able to make one this time._ She breathed and focused her eyes on the net. 

__

I can do this. 

He watched her get ready to dunk the ball. Saw the concentration and determination radiate from her. He was rooted to the spot where he stood -- unable to take his eyes off her.

__

I can do this. She ignored the beads of sweat trickle down her face and sting her eyes. She eyed the net. _I can make the jump._ She dug her shoe into the ground, making sure she had enough leverage.

She took his breath away. Every movement of hers was fluid and graceful -- it was as though his mind processed her actions in still frames and slow motion. 

He flinched at the swear word that followed when the ball bounced off the ring.

__

Damn. Tsubaki knelt on the ground, catching her breath. _I was so close._

He saw her kneeling on the ground, head bowed as she was trying to catch her breath. 

__

Now I make my move. 

Tonami walked over to where the basketball had rolled and picked it up. He dribbled it as he walked towards her.

The sound of the bouncing ball broke through her reverie. Her head snapped towards the source. Her eyes followed and she frowned at what she saw. 

__

Who the hell --

It was a blur of motion -- one minute he was slowly making his way towards her while dribbling the ball, the next minute he was up in the air dunking the ball. 

Irritation bristled through Tsubaki -- not only did this stranger have the audacity to intrude, he also managed to dunk the ball. 

She stood up and glared at the guy.

He glared back. 

He was surprised to discover how tall she was and didn't need to tilt her head that far back in order to look him straight in the eye.

__

That's right, notice me. Look your fill. He could feel her agitation and it fed his will to continue the staring match. _Let's see who'll back down first._

Tsubaki didn't understand why she felt the way she did about the stranger. She realized that the guy was not going to give in. _Well, I'm not going to lose this one._ Her chin rose a notch -- a challenge.

When he saw her defiance and distress, Tonami knew he had done what he had set out to do. 

__

Plan A, completed. He turned around and walked away. 

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I've got your attention now, Tsubaki Sakura. 

She continued scowling at the departing figure. "Who was that guy?"

"That was Tonami Takefumi." Rika answered cautiously -- afraid that she might trigger a reaction in what was already a volatile situation.

The anger dissipated from her and was replaced by surprise. "That was him?!?"

She looked at him with more scrutiny. 

He was tall, well-tanned and had an athletic physique -- the muscles on his back defined themselves through his shirt as he swaggered off the court. 

"That definitely is not our Tonami Takefumi." Tsubaki picked up the basketball and tried to balance and twirl it on her fingertips. 

Aya sensed the uneasiness Tsubaki tried to hide. Her friend was as transparent to her as glass -- a result of years of friendship. 

She decided not to say anything, though -- her friend was troubled enough as it was.

"Hey, want to go bother Yukinon? I think she and Arima are busy with some school project."

That was another thing they had in common -- a love for pranks and mischief.

Tsubaki brightened visibly. 

***

Yukino was surprised to have her friends drop by during lunch. She frowned as they approached her -- mischief gleaming in their eyes. She tilted her head to look at Rika who was a few steps behind Tsubaki and Aya -- a silent question. Rika shrugged her shoulders and shook her head in response.

"Yu-ki-non." Tsubaki rubbed her hands together in anticipation. "Are you busy?"

Aya tried to suppress her laughter -- her breath coming out in hisses.

"Nope. I finished the school project before breakfast this morning. What's up?"

__

Trust Yukinon to be so studious. "You're taking the fun out of bothering you." Tsubaki pouted.

"Yukino, teacher wants to see you in his office."

Aya and Tsubaki turned to the origin of the message and snickered.

Maho stood at the entrance to her classroom and watched Aya and Tsubaki advance towards her. Having spent most of her summer with them, she knew she was about to be involved in one of their pranks.

She sighed and braced herself.

***

"How was your first day at school?"

"It was fine." _I managed to shake up one pretty little she-devil who will no doubt spend the rest of her evening wondering about me._ Tonami took the bowl of rice his mom offered. "My new classmates are all very nice."

"Did you meet any nice girls?"

Tonami gave his sister dagger looks. "None of your business, sis."

***

The encounter with Tonami Takefumi bothered her more than Tsubaki expected it would. _There's something very familiar about him -- something I can't put my finger on._

She took out her photo album and flipped through the pages until she found the picture she was looking for. It was a class picture from junior high. 

She ran her finger through each face until she found Tonami Takefumi. She peered closely -- looking for clues; similarities ... anything. 

She clenched her teeth in frustration when she realized she couldn't find anything.

She remembered his arrogant look and the irritating smirk on his face when he made the dunk. She suddenly wished she was in junior high again. _I may not be that Tsubaki Sakura, but I can still beat your ass any day._

She rubbed her hands together as she relished the idea. 

__

Tomorrow. I'll get even.

****

~ to be continued

***

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Author's Notes:

  1. This Auden poem is one of my absolute favorites. It also describes the relationship between Tsubaki Sakura and Tonami Takefumi very well.
  2. Yes, Tonami has a sister. We don't get to see her in the anime, but she does make an appearance in the manga.
  3. As I've mentioned in my spoiler warnings, this is a free interpretation of the events that transpire between Tsubaki and Tonami. I didn't really make a conscious effort to chronicle the events as they happened in either the anime or the manga. The scenes that I've written, though based on either the anime or manga, are not chronologically accurate. What mattered to me was the telling of their story. 

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	2. Part Two: Seeing Through Different Eyes

The International Summer Schools ****

Part Two

Rotten eggs in his shoe locker -- that was her grand idea. 

The problem was, she couldn't find any rotten eggs -- and fresh ones wouldn't be the same. Rika was horrified when Tsubaki asked her for rotten eggs and Aya's supply had run out. 

She reluctantly decided that fate was not on her side and gave the idea up.

__

I guess I'm not cut out for these kinds of pranks anymore. 

She realized that she was relieved at the thought of not going through with her plan -- it was one thing to pull pranks on friends just for fun, it was another thing to pull a prank for revenge.

__

I shouldn't let that guy bother me. She resolved she would keep her cool and be patient. _I'm sure he won't bother me again._

***

"So, where's your name on the list?"

Hearing the now too-familiar voice, Tsubaki resisted the temptation to turn around and smack him in the face. 

She tried to block his insolent snicker and concentrated on the list of student rankings -- hoping he would go away.

"I wonder how the great Tsubaki Sakura did."

__

How'd he know my name? 

She could feel herself blushing -- the heat creeping up to her cheeks. She didn't like it that the guy was staring at her back and she couldn't do anything about it.

She didn't bother to face him. "My priorities lie elsewhere. I am quite satisfied with my academic performance." She made sure each word was laced with enough sarcasm and acidity to let him know that he wasn't welcome in her presence.

Tonami smirked at her sharp tone and was about to respond when he heard a commotion.

Tsubaki saw Yukino and Arima walking towards the list and was relieved to have the chance to escape. How she wanted to kick the guy's shin -- but she knew that this was her only chance to escape. _She that fights and runs away..._

***

Tsubaki headed for the coffee vending machine at the back of the gym. She knew that there wouldn't be anyone there. It was a perfect place for her to think about Tonami Takefumi.

__

What does he want with me? 

She blew on her coffee to cool it and inhaled the rich aroma. _Why does he pick on me?_ She took a sip. 

Tsubaki grimaced as she remembered Tonami's mocking voice and arrogant stare. 

She also remembered the agile and impressive way he dunked the ball. She also remembered admiring his form. _He's handsome._

The thought had shot out of her brain without her realizing it. _Am I falling for the guy?_

She didn't understand why, but the realization comforted her.

***

__

Why isn't she fighting back? 

Tonami had that same nagging suspicion last night. He had a vague cognition that the girl he was dealing with wasn't the same Tsubaki Sakura he left three years ago.

He grimaced when he replayed the last scene in his head -- the hurt she tried to conceal when she responded to his cruel taunt about her grades, the way her shoulders stiffened when he approached her.

He regretted his actions and didn't understand why. 

__

I've waited for this moment for three years. 

Tonami was wandering around his new school -- not really caring where his feet or thoughts would take him. 

He stopped suddenly when he saw her.

Tsubaki was sitting on the bench beside the vending machine -- her hands clutching at an empty paper cup.

It was a perfect opportunity for an attack, but Tonami couldn't bring himself to go to her. He stood there, a safe distance away from her. He knew she was too deep in thought to realize there was someone nearby.

__

She's so beautiful. 

Tonami's eyes widened when that thought hit him. There he was, standing meters away from his avowed enemy and he was content to gaze at her slender form. _What am I thinking?_

He hurriedly walked away -- afraid that if he stayed longer, all his plans -- his life's ambitions would disappear.

***

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Should I call? He stood in front of the telephone -- coins in hand. He had done his research and knew she'd be home from volleyball practice right now. 

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Do I apologize? He gripped the coins more tightly -- feeling the edges dig into his palm.

__

She deserves everything I've done to her. 

He resolved weakly -- somehow, even he had trouble believing it.

Tonami Takefumi remembered it all -- every taunt, prank and bitterness he experienced in the hands of Tsubaki Sakura. 

And yet -- 

He sighed. 

True, those sad memories were still in his mind, but they were vague and faded. 

What was crystal clear to him were the _other_ moments.

He smiled as he remembered the summer when she taught him how to ride a bike; remembered those moments when he was alone and she would keep him company.

__

Then why -- 

He remembered Tsubaki's last words to him before he left. _I was nothing more to her than an obligation._

He heard someone cough and realized that there was someone waiting to use the phone. He mumbled an apology and walked away.

***

Three days had gone by without any incident from Tonami Takefumi. Tsubaki was relieved yet, at the same time, she missed him.

She walked down the corridor -- hoping to bump into him or catch a glimpse of him. She bumped into Hideaki Asaba instead.

"Hey, you better pay more attention to where you're going." 

Asaba rubbed the shoulder that Tsubaki had collided with.

"Sorry." She mumbled -- her thoughts elsewhere.

He winked. "No problem. It's just that I don't want you to get into trouble with the other girls for hurting poor little me." 

Tsubaki had to smiled at his statement. "Or maybe you're the one who's scared to get into trouble for hurting_ me_." She winked back.

Asaba grinned. In the next instance, he became serious. "You look like you've got a lot of things on your mind." He rested his elbows on the window ledge.

Tsubaki looked out the window, at the courtyard below. "It's nothing." She shrugged her shoulders.

Outside, the leaves rustled and danced in the breeze. The sky was clear blue -- no speck of white cloud marred the perfection. By anyone's standards, it was a perfect day.

__

But not for me. She sighed and looked at Asaba. "Hey, aren't your girlfriends going to be jealous or something?"

"Should I care?" 

She cocked her head to one side and smirked. "You tell me." 

She brushed away the errant strands of hair that had plastered themselves to her face because of the breeze. "I seem to recall this grand plan called the 'Merryland'. What happened to that?"

He laughed. "Not too well. It seems I'm not as charming and irresistible as I thought I was."

Her mouth dropped open in surprise. "You? Not charming? Not irresistible? Hah! When pigs fly."

"Oh, look! There's one now." Asaba pointed at an imagined something. "And there's another one."

Tsubaki chuckled. "I had forgotten about your sense of humor." She punched him lightly.

"Ow! Be careful. I bruise easily." He pouted and groaned.

"You big baby."

They laughed. In that brief moment, Tsubaki forgot all about her worries.

***

He had tried to stay away -- fought hard the temptation to look for her during breaks and after class. For three days he had waged a mental war with himself. 

Tonami Takefumi was not in a good mood. He didn't understand his reaction to _her_. He grumbled and gritted his teeth. Three nights of restless sleep -- unable to make sense of his emotions and thoughts about Tsubaki Sakura.

__

Talking to Yukino had not helped at all. 

Yukino was Tsubaki's friend. Arima introduced him to her. They had instantly connected because of their common frame of mind and backgrounds.

Yukino Miyazawa was smart, talented and popular -- and she had worked hard to be where she was. She had fashioned an outward image of perfection and excellence. She had lived her entire academic life as a completely different Yukino Miyazawa -- one who was hardly recognized by her family. All that changed when she met and fell in love with Souichiro Arima.

Tonami was always overweight as a child and that made him susceptible to bullies. He was never popular and was always the last to be picked for any game or activity. When he moved to Okinawa three years ago, he saw it as an opportunity to start anew. He exercised constantly until he lost all the unwanted weight. He worked hard mentally and physically to make himself irresistible and sought after. He achieved all of that.

And yet --

He realized who was standing there -- three meters away from him. _Tsubaki_. He frowned when he realized she wasn't alone. She was laughing at something Asaba was saying. He leaned on the wall and allowed himself to enjoy the vision before him.

__

She really is something. He watched the graceful lines of her throat when she threw her head back in laughter. He closed his eyes and reveled in the melody of her voice. 

When he saw Asaba reach out to pat Tsubaki's shoulder, Tonami wanted to go over to them and shove Asaba away. He frowned at his intentions. _Why would I do that?_ He studied her again. _What is it about her that makes me want to do these things?_ He shook his head when he realized he had no answer -- no explanation to give himself.

He walked away -- even more confused and desperate for answers.

***

It turned out to be a perfect day for her. Tsubaki smiled when she realized it. She rubbed her hair vigorously with the towel. Volleyball practice had gone well. Her team was ready for the annual competition. She paused to wave goodbye at her teammates.

__

Finally, I'm alone. She loved being alone in the gym after practice. She was able to concentrate and focus in the silence. 

She tossed the towel over her shoulder and heard a soft grunt. She turned around and found her towel draped over Tonami Takefumi's head.

It was a funny sight, but she dared not laugh. She waited instead for him to make a move.

He smirked and sat down on the bench -- watching her intently.

"What are you doing here?" She tried to keep her voice even -- tried to make herself sound as nonchalant as possible.

"You're going to practice, right? Since I have nothing better to do, I thought I'd watch."

"You-- you can't-- why-- why would you want to watch me practice?"

He shrugged. _What am I doing here?_ "Because." He stood up and started to walk towards her.

She sputtered. "That's it? That's your explanation?" In her frustration, she threw a volleyball at him.

He returned the ball smoothly -- letting it bounce on his arms and then hit it with his palm.

Her volleyball instincts kicked in and she lunged at the ball -- not letting it hit the ground.

__

He's a pretty good player. She skillfully blocked an attempt to smash the ball.

She had let her guard down and was playing with enthusiasm when he suddenly stepped away and let the ball drop and then roll away. He turned to leave the court.

"What do you want from me? Why do you do this to me?" She clamped her hands to her mouth when she realized she had shouted her thoughts.

"I don't like you."

His simple statement reverberated through her body. She was stunned. "Why?" She managed to whisper. 

"Do I deserve this?" She murmured.

She watched him walk away -- unable to think of anything to stop him. _He doesn't like me._

She had never cared about what people thought or felt about her. But this one was different. His words cut through her like a knife and was now twisting in her gut.

She wanted to cry -- she knew that was what he expected her to do. She took a cleansing breath -- a vain attempt to calm her frazzled nerves.

***

The next day, she decided to tell her friends about it. Aya and Rika were very sympathetic and offered words of encouragement.

Tsubasa folded her arms across her chest. "It's him, you know. He's our Tonami Takefumi. He's changed a bit, but I recognize him." She looked at her friends -- all of them silent now. "I think he knows that I know."

"How--"

"I just do. We walked past him down the hall one time and I looked at him and knew."

Tsubaki understood what Tonami was doing to her. "Revenge." She whispered breathlessly.

Tsubasa nodded. "Uh-huh. I think he wants to prove something to you." She reached over and took a cookie from Rika's _bento box._ "He's doing it all wrong, though." She added softly.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You'll find out, eventually." She reached out and patted Tsubaki's arm. "Don't worry. It's not going to be as bad as it seems."

Tsubaki was in a daze. She stood up and hastily packed up the lunch she had forgotten to eat. "I'm going to go and think about this."

She walked around until she found an isolated area. She climbed up the tree and leaned on the trunk.

__

Why do I feel like this? She stacked her hands behind her head. She remembered the things she had done to and with him three years ago. _I treated him so badly then._ She thought glumly.

__

It's too late to apologize for that, though. She took out an apple from her lunch bag and took a bite. She heard footsteps and looked down. _Speaking of the devil._ She took another bite of her apple. She remembered that she had another apple in her bag. _Just one shot._ She took it out of the bag and took aim.

He didn't know what hit him. "Ouch!" He looked up and saw Tsubaki Sakura sitting on a branch.

He climbed up to her. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed some time to think about a few things." 

He didn't know what to say. Deep down, he knew he was the cause of all her worries. In his original plan, he should be ecstatic right now -- having done what he had set out to do. But he felt terrible instead.

He stood there, silently looking at her.

She closed her eyes, unable to meet his stare. She inhaled deeply to calm herself.

__

She looks so peaceful. So beautiful. He leaned over and kissed her softly on the lips. He jerked back when he realized what he had done.

Her eyes flew open. "Why did you do that? I thought you didn't like me."

"I don't like you."

She touched her lips with her fingers. "Well, that's too bad because I like you."

"What do you mean by that? Didn't you hear me? I just said I didn't like you."

She shrugged. 

"Just because you don't like me, doesn't mean I should feel the same towards you." She looked him straight in the eye. "I happen to like you."

His emotions ran riot within him. He was hyperventilating. "You can't -- that's not what-- I have to go." He started to climb down the tree.

Tsubaki was surprised with her own admission. _Like him? _She watched him walk away. _I do._

She realized she had always felt that way -- even when she was younger. Back then, she didn't know how to express her feelings. But now --

It all became so clear to her.

***

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Author's Notes:

  1. Is it possible for Tonami Takefumi to be this vindictive? I think so. Love and hate are twin emotions (not opposites) -- the extent of one's "hatred" (for lack of a better word) is usually in direct proportion to the extent of one's love for that same person. 
  2. In the anime, when Tonami encounters Tsubaki walking with Aya and Rika (Tsubasa is riding on Tsubaki's back), Tonami comments that "Tsubasa knows". Tsubasa is a very perceptive person, so I'm guessing she did know.
  3. I had to struggle with the "volleyball" scene as I do not play that sport and I'm not very familiar with the terminology. (So sorry.)
  4. Did Tsubaki really like Tonami since before? I guess she did. I don't think someone would _willingly_ hang out with anyone if they didn't like that person in the first place. 

Why did she treat him so badly? That was the only way she knew how to act and treat people (and if you think about it, this is how she treated Aya, Rika and Tsubasa, when they were younger, too.)


	3. Part Three: Confessions

The International Summer Schools ****

Part Three

"'Like' me? What did she mean by that?" 

__

Like. _Me?_

He tried to ward off the feeling of elation that seemed to make its way into his heart. 

__

This wasn't supposed to happen. 

In frustration, he kicked the pebble that lay in his path. 

__

This is not what I planned. 

He turned his head and glared at the direction of Tsubaki's tree.

A week had gone by since Tsubaki made her declaration to him. Every conscious moment from then on was spent pacing about that same area while he thought of a solution.

__

She likes me?

Tsubaki had said it so simply and matter of fact, yet he had trouble accepting her words. He remembered her sincerity when she looked him straight in the eye. 

Deep down, he knew she was telling him the truth.

"So why do I feel like this?" He whispered into the emptiness and silence. He stopped to think about what he had just said. _How do I feel?_ He took stock of his feelings -- recognized that he was fighting off -- _bliss?_

"Why do I feel happy about this?" 

__

I'm supposed to hate her. He used his thumb and forefinger to rub his forehead. _I'm supposed to make her sorry for not wanting me before._

With everything that had happened to him in the past three years, he had forgotten what it was he wanted to do in the first place. He realized it now -- remembered the hurt he felt when Tsubaki told him why she was friends with him.

__

Because some teacher told her to. 

It all became clear to him. 

__

All he wanted was for Tsubaki Sakura to-- 

He shook his head -- as though to revise his thoughts. 

__

All I wanted was Tsubaki Sakura.

"To notice me. To want me." 

__

The same way I wanted her.

***

He found her in the gym -- surrounded by her teammates. He paused for a moment at the entrance and just looked at her. His eyes made a slow trail from the top of her head to her feet.

His mouth dropped open when he realized how she was sitting. He quickly marched towards her.

Tsubaki was telling an amusing story she had seen on television. Her teammates were hanging on to her every word.

When suddenly --

A foot pushed her legs together. She looked up to see Tonami Takefumi frowning down at her.

"What the-- ?"

"Do you realize that ANYONE could have seen parts of you that shouldn't be seen? God, woman. Don't you have any sense of decency?"

She was amused with the way his voice had risen and the way a vein was throbbing in his forehead. 

She gave him a crooked grin and slowly, provocatively raised her skirts.

He was about to make a move to pull the hem back down when she raised her skirts fully -- exposing a pair of black shorts underneath.

"We were just waiting for the other team to finish practice. We're all wearing our team uniforms underneath our school uniforms."

She was oddly flattered by his concern for her. She lowered her skirts and sat down more demurely this time.

He was still huffing -- something akin to relief swelled in his heart. He knew she wanted to laugh. He could see it in her eyes. "Idiot." He muttered under his breath.

She gave him a sham look of surprise and then started laughing.

He could still hear her peals of laughter as he exited the gym.

***

After all that had happened to her, Tsubaki Sakura allowed herself some quiet time to think about it all: He had kissed her -- and she let him. 

She still felt it; she still felt his lips on hers -- it was a soft, incredibly gentle, albeit abrupt kiss. Each time she thought about it, her fingers would involuntarily reach up to touch her lips.

__

And I told him I liked him. 

Would he use it against her? Would he hurt her with her own words? 

"Tonami would never do anything like that."

It was a strange thing, but she had faith in him.

She felt especially giddy about how he 'came to her rescue' in the gym. She liked it that someone was looking out for her.

She wiped the sweat from her forehead. It was sweltering hot and she stopped to open the windows in the hall -- disappointed that there was no breeze.

She saw him then.

He was standing by the vending machine.

"Hey!" 

He looked up and his eyes widened when he saw her.

__

Is he afraid of me? She didn't know what to make of his reaction to seeing her. She decided not to jump to any conclusion.

"Can you get me a drink?" She tossed a few coins at him.

He caught them without even blinking.

"Get me an orange soda."

It was as though he was on automatic. He dropped the coins in and pressed the buttons on the vending machine.

A few seconds later, a dainty hand swiped it away from him.

"Thanks." She smiled and popped the tab and stood beside him.

When he didn't say anything, she decided to start the conversation.

"It's so hot today, isn't it?"

Silence.

She didn't say anything more -- merely waited for him. She looked up and was suddenly mesmerized by the clouds.

The utter stillness was only broken by the sporadic breeze that brought with it the rustling leaves.

Just as if a magnet was drawing them to each other, their heads closed in and their lips touched.

It lasted for only a few seconds, but the aftereffects reverberated for far longer.

In silence, they regarded each other.

"Why did you kiss me?"

He lifted an eyebrow at her question. "Why not?"

"This is the second time. I'd like to know why."

He shrugged his shoulders. "You'd probably have done it with anyone."

"How can you say that? That's mean. Of course it matters to me whom I kiss." 

Tonami couldn't help but notice how her voice seemed to quiver with every word. 

He looked at her -- saw the hurt and tears shimmer in her eyes. He couldn't think of anything to say.

"I kissed you because I like you, Tonami Takefumi. Now I'd like to know why you kissed me." 

She managed to keep her voice steady this time. She looked him squarely in the eye and waited for him to answer.

He did the only thing he could do -- the only thing his heart was telling him to do.

He reached out with both hands and pulled her to him in an embrace. He felt her tremble and stiffen. He whispered softly in her ear, "Maybe it's because I like you too, Tsubaki Sakura."

After hearing his admission, the tension left her body and she relaxed against him.

He felt her nod and heard her sigh.

This was not what he had set out to do, yet, deep down, he knew this was what he wanted to happen. 

He smiled and held her more tightly against him.

He hesitated for a minute -- not wanting the moment to end, and then he let her go.

"What now?"

"What do you mean?"

Without thinking, he reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear -- caressing her cheek in the process. "What happens to us now?"

"Us?" She frowned as she considered his question. She gave him a sheepish smile and slowly shook her head. "I really don't know."

"I don't know either." He smiled back.

She clasped her hands behind her back and started to pace. "Well, I guess we'll just have to take it a day at a time." 

"I guess so."

"We will deal with things as they happen."

"You're right."

She glanced at her wristwatch. "We better go or we'll be late for our next class."

He nodded and followed quietly behind her.

They were going up the stairs to their wing. Tsubaki was whistling a tune that Tonami couldn't identify. Tsubaki gasped in surprise when a butterfly flew past her nose. She was thrown off-balance and started to fall backwards.

Tonami caught her easily. His chest cushioned her back and shoulders, his arms clasping her shoulders as he pushed her forward until she regained her footing.

"Thanks." 

__

She's so light. "I never thought--" He had unwittingly blurted out his thoughts, but stopped himself in time.

"Never thought what?"

"You are so slender. I never thought of you as anything other than strong."

"Oh." She rubbed her shoulders self-consciously. _Strong? Me?_

"When we were younger, you always seemed to know what you wanted and then you went for it. You were always so confident and sure of yourself."

She silently contemplated his words.

"I like you, Tsubaki -- not because I thought you were strong and I won't stop liking you because I've discovered you aren't."

It was as though he had read her mind. Her eyes widened in astonishment. "How did you--?" 

"Know what you were thinking? I saw it in your eyes."

"That's-- that's amazing. Can you do that with anyone?"

He thought for a moment and shook his head briskly. "Not that I can remember."

"I see." She blushed. 

"Of course, it only works if you keep your eyes open."

It was an unfamiliar tone. "Are you teasing me?"

He winked and then walked past her. "Why don't you look into my eyes and tell me?"

The laughter bubbled and burst out of Tsubaki. 

They had an impromptu race to see who would get to their respective classroom first.

The victor stuck her tongue out at the loser while he leaned on the door to his classroom, regarded her with pride and stuck his tongue out at her.

***

****

Author's Notes:

The skirt/shorts scene really does happen in the manga and it is hilarious! 


	4. Part Four: Confrontation

The International Summer Schools ****

Part Four

"Where could she be?" Tonami was losing patience. He had searched every classroom and corner of their wing and he still couldn't find her. _This is the third time this week that I haven't seen her._

"Hey, there you are."

Tonami turned around and stared angrily at Tsubaki. 

"I was looking everywhere for you." His jaw muscles clenched and unclenched as he struggled to keep his tone even and calm.

Tsubaki took her time walking towards him. "Now why would you do that?" She tilted her head and grinned. "Didn't I mention that I would be having lunch with Yukinon and the others?"

He hated feeling this way -- hated feeling insignificant and trivial. He stalked towards her and resisted the urge to grab her by her shirt and haul her up when he was close enough. 

"When did you tell me? I haven't seen you in three days." He pulled back -- he hadn't meant to shout at her like that. He loved her, why would he want to frighten her with his anger?

Tsubaki shrugged her shoulders. "If I did tell you, I don't remember when. If I didn't, well, it isn't like I should tell you _everything_."

How he wanted to shake some sense into her. He swallowed large gulps of air in an effort to calm down. "I'm your boyfriend. I should at least know where you are." He placed an arm on her shoulder and tried to pull her close to him. "I wanted to spend time with you. I missed you during the day and this was my only chance to see you..."

"Whoa, I didn't think you'd get _this_ emotional. Geez, Tonami, you have to learn how to lighten up a little."

He couldn't take it. He couldn't take her indifference. He turned around and ran -- away from her.

Tsubaki watched him flee. _Was I wrong?_ For as long as she could remember, she had always been independent and not tied down to anything. _I'll be damned if I change for him._

Yet -- 

Something in her ached as Tonami left her. She debated with herself whether or not she would go after him or leave him alone. 

With a sigh, she turned around and walked the opposite direction. _He'll adjust to me. He just has to get used to how I am, that's all._

Tonami ran -- not caring where to; he just wanted to get away from her. 

__

Tsubaki Sakura, why do you make me feel this way? His legs gave out and he collapsed against a wall. 

He was back where it all started -- where she first told him how she felt about him. He looked sadly at the tree and remembered what it was like to hear those words from her. 

__

If you like me, then why do you hurt me? 

He knew he had to get a grip on his emotions. Love was new to him. He didn't know how exactly to deal with it -- and with her.

He knew Tsubaki was a free spirit -- he had known that ever since they were little. _Fool that I am, I thought she would change for me._ He covered his face with both his hands and started to take deep breaths.

"Tonami? Is that you? What are you doing here by yourself?"

Tonami looked up to find Yukino Miyazawa approaching him -- with an irritated and watchful Souichiro Arima not far behind.

"Tsubaki was looking for you a while ago. Was she able to find you?"

"Tonami."

Arima said his name. It appeared to be a greeting, but it was laced with warning and animosity that Tonami shook his head in reply. _Why can't Tsubaki be like that for me?_

"You look upset. Is something wrong?"

The last thing he wanted to do was to involve Tsubaki's friends in their troubles. He smiled. "No. No. I was just thinking. That's all."

Yukino could sniff out secrets faster than anyone, but the look on her friend's face told her that this wasn't the time to pester him about it. "Hey, if you want to talk about it, Arima and I are here to listen."

Tonami glanced at Arima. 

There was no change in Arima's expression -- his mouth was set in a grim line and his eyes blazed with anger. He only winced slightly when Yukino offered his help to Tonami.

Arima turned to his girlfriend. "Yukino, we have to go see our homeroom teacher before the lunch break is over."

"Oh, that's right." Yukino smiled at Arima -- the expression on her face revealed her deep devotion to him. "You are so good to remind me." She touched his arm lightly with her fingers.

Even Tonami could feel the electricity pass through the two of them. As he watched them, he felt envy rise up from the depths of his being and take hold of his heart. He tried to block thoughts of Tsubaki and the feeling of resentment that came with those thoughts.

Yukino faced Tonami. "We have to go now."

Tonami managed to nod in response.

***

"I don't understand him. Why is he being so possessive? He never struck me as the type. What does he think I am -- some trophy to display at all times? God, it's just like a man to think that."

Aya and Rika listened to their friend vent. With their eyes, they followed her as she paced in front of them.

"Doesn't he know that I'm an independent person and capable of deciding for myself? Does he think he has to make all my decisions for me? I'm not a weak and helpless female. My world should not revolve around _him_."

"If what you are saying is true, then why are you so upset over this?"

Tsubaki's mouth dropped open at Aya's question. She frowned and straightened up. She opened her mouth again as though to say something, but quickly shut it when she realized she didn't know what to say. 

She crossed her arms across her chest. "Must you take _his_ side in this? Aren't I _your_ _friend_?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Rika waited for her friend to respond. She opened a bag of cookies and handed one to Aya.

"I should have found someone more sympathetic to talk to -- _real_ friends who would support me." Tsubaki regretted saying the words the instant they came out of her mouth.

"We know you don't mean that." Aya took a bite out of the cookie that Rika had given to her.

"Now sit here, have a cookie and tell us what this is _really_ about." Rika patted to the space beside her, motioning for Tsubaki to come over.

Tsubaki took two long strides and sat down beside Rika. 

"Last week, he followed me around every chance he could. He was like a shadow that wouldn't go away. This week, he insists that I tell him where I go and whom I'm with." Tsubaki sighed. "I just don't know if this is what I want from him ... or for myself."

Aya and Rika looked at each other knowingly. Three weeks ago, they received the shock of their lives when they found out that Tsubaki and Tonami were a couple. They had never expected their fiercely independent and self-reliant friend to commit herself to a steady relationship.

But she had. And ever since then, their friend seemed to glow with newfound happiness and contentment.

__

Does she realize the effect he has on her, I wonder. Aya took another cookie from the bag. "What do you want to do about this?"

Tsubaki massaged her temples. "I don't know. I've never been in a situation like this before." 

She placed her hand on Rika's knee and started to shake it. "You have to help me."

Rika gently pried her friend's hand from her knee. "Do you love him?"

Tsubaki was taken aback by her question. _Love?_ Neither she nor Tonami had addressed that before. They knew they liked each other well enough, but love? "That isn't the point."

"Isn't it?" 

"He makes me... happy... being with him is..." Tsubaki sighed. "... fun and gives me a warm fuzzy feeling all over." 

Rika repeated her question. "Do you love him?" 

__

Love him? 

She tried to compare her feelings for Tonami to her feelings for her friends. She liked her friends and was loyal and devoted to them, but to Tonami -- 

__

It's deeper than that; it's more than 'like'.

"Well, do you love him?"

Tsubaki looked Rika squarely in the eye. "Yes."

Aya smiled in relief. "Then, really, what is the problem?"

Tsubaki smiled sheepishly -- she felt that, with her admission, a load was lifted from her back. "I don't want to _need_ him. I'm afraid that someday... he'll leave me and I'll die from the heartache."

Aya was astonished at her friend's eloquence but didn't show it. 

Given another time, this was perfect fodder for a salvo of teasing and jokes, but Tsubaki was seriously confused about her feelings and, as her friend, Aya had to help.

"Why worry about that? Focus on the present. _Now_ is what is important."

Rika nodded. "The more you worry about the future, the more you are ruining your chances of ever being happy in the present."

"I never realized..." Tsubaki stood up. "I have to go find him."

***

She found him sitting on the bench by the basketball court, and memories of their first encounter came to her mind. 

__

I hated him so much then. 

She smiled nervously as she walked towards him -- his face was an unreadable mask.

"Hi." She murmured and waved weakly.

When he didn't respond, let alone bother to look up, her heart sank. But she didn't want to give up. _This is too important to me._

She sat down beside him, making sure she wasn't crowding him.

"Listen, I'm really sorry about how I've been behaving lately and --"

"Do my ears deceive me?" He sneered and stood up. "Is this the great Tsubaki Sakura apologizing? Admitting that she's wrong?"

He rested his weight on one foot with arms akimbo. "I think this is a first. I cannot wait to hear this."

Tonami Takefumi did not bother to hide his sarcasm -- he let his anger go full force, not caring how it would affect her. 

He cut her off before she could say something. "Don't you think I deserved whatever explanation you are about to give me now a lot sooner?"

Tsubaki's face turned a bright red as she realized that a crowd was gathering around them.

"I don't think this is place to get hysterical." She muttered. "People are looking."

"Let them look. Let them see what a lousy girlfriend you really are." _Why do my words hurt me?_

His bitterness stunned her. The words tore through her heart -- she clutched her chest unconsciously, as though it would stop her heart from shattering into a thousand pieces.

"You... you don't mean that."

"Don't I?"

She hated being challenged. She hated being pushed and provoked in that way. 

"Well, you... you aren't exactly the perfect boyfriend." 

As soon as she spoke the words it was like opening the floodgates of emotions from somewhere deep inside her. 

She stood and took a step closer. "You have no idea how much I hated you clinging to me and hanging around me like some sort of ... of dog."

"How do you think I felt? I had to scour the entire school every time I wanted to be with you. That's not how it's supposed to be. We're supposed to spend time together." 

She jabbed at his chest with her finger. "For your information, I am not some simpering female who will fall into pieces for you. I am my own person and I decide what I want to do with my time, not anyone else and especially not _you_."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. _This is how Tsubaki feels about me? About us?_ He grabbed her hand and jerked her towards him until she was just inches away. 

"If that is what you want." 

Tsubaki looked straight into his eyes. His eyes narrowed with anger, but there was something else there, too. _Hurt? Disbelief?_

It made her pause and comprehend the things she had just said. She had said some mean and hurtful things -- most of which weren't true. It was too late to take them back now. 

"I --"

He didn't give her a chance to speak. He pushed her away, causing her to stumble backwards. "You want your freedom, fine. Goodbye, Tsubaki Sakura."

__

Oh God, what have I done? She reached out to him, tried to take hold of his arm. He abruptly pulled away from the hand that sought to retain him.

"Please... don't..." She swallowed back the tears. She couldn't believe this was happening. "...don't go. Not like this."

He turned around and smiled coldly. "This is what _you_ wanted, Tsubaki and, as your loving boyfriend, I am more than willing to abide by your wishes."

He was mocking her. Tsubaki closed her eyes to block out the sight and sound of impending disaster -- the tears streamed down her face. She didn't pay attention to the barely concealed whispers and mutterings of the people -- the strangers around her.

When she opened her eyes again -- the tears blurring her vision, he was gone.


	5. Part Five: Empty Heart, Empty Life

The International Summer Schools ****

Part Five

__

Not again. 

Tsubaki shook her head to clear her mind. She brushed away the tears and tried to determine which direction Tonami went. 

__

You aren't walking away from this one again. 

"Where did you go, _damn you_." She muttered under her breath. She decided that the best course of action would be to search every inch of the school -- if she had to. She headed for Tonami's classroom.

Tsubaki ignored the concerned looks on her classmates and teammates faces when she passed them in the corridor. She didn't care that her eyes were puffy from crying or that her nose and cheeks were probably all red. 

What mattered was finding Tonami.

She slid the door to his classroom open. She gasped when she saw him leaning on the windowsill and staring at the sky. Truth was, she hadn't expected to find him here.

__

This is important. This is important. She repeated the words to herself as she walked towards him.

Tonami failed to notice Tsubaki's approach. He was trying to make sense of the riot of emotions that raced through his head and heart.

"There you are."

Her voice penetrated his mind. Tonami's head snapped to face her, his eyes narrowed. "What are you doing here?"

She gave him a crooked smile. "I'm glad...I found you here. I was beginning to think I had to run around the entire campus to find you."

He didn't smile back. ""Well, now you've found me. What do you want?"

"To talk to you. I want to talk to you."

He snorted. "Funny. I thought we included _everything_ in our last conversation." 

Tsubaki shook her head. "There were things that I said that --"

He didn't give her a chance to finish. "Listen. I don't know what game you're playing with me, but I'm through playing it."

He sighed and started to leave. "I just can't keep up with you anymore." 

__

No. Don't go. I'm sorry. No. Don't leave me. Her mind was screaming with all the things that she wanted to say, but her pride -- wounded by his indifference, made it impossible for her to utter the words. "Coward." She hissed as he walked past her.

He flinched, but made no move to react.

She whispered again, this time, to herself. "Coward."

***

"Tonami? Tonami Takefumi!"

Tonami jumped from his seat. He could hear some of his classmates snicker and whisper as he turned red.

"I won't repeat the question again, Tonami."

Tonami bowed low. "I'm sorry, sir."

The teacher nodded and called on another student.

"That was close." 

He tried to concentrate on the discussion. _Stop thinking about her, damn you._ He stared at the wall clock -- willing time to go faster. He wanted to leave; he needed to leave. The thought of Tsubaki Sakura being a few classrooms away drove him crazy. _With anger? With yearning? Or both?_

When the dismissal bell finally went off, he hurriedly stood up and knocked over his chair in the process. _Get a hold of yourself._ After picking up the chair and making sure that he hadn't broken it, he turned to leave the classroom.

Tsubaki Sakura was outside waiting for him. She stared sadly at the open door of his classroom, wanted nothing more than to go to him. She looked at him, silently pleading with him with her eyes, fighting back the tears.

He stood there for a moment, within the refuge of his classroom. _She was the one who wanted it this way. All I wanted was to be with her._

He looked around his classroom and discovered he was the last person there. He took his time walking to the doorway, his eyes never leaving hers. _She needs to know what it's like to need... to need so badly._

Tsubaki's heart buoyed with hope as he was walking towards her. _He's going to forgive me._ She frowned as he stood in front of her, the doorway separating them. Her heart sank as she looked at his face and at his cold expression.

When the door slid close between them, Tsubaki knew that her foolishness and arrogance had cost her the most important person in her life.

***

Tsubasa glared at Tsubaki with disapproval. She studied her friend's despondent face -- her eyes were puffy from crying and there were dark circles underneath. 

"Have you been getting enough sleep?"

Tsubaki shook her head. She looked at the bento that Rika had prepared for her. "I really don't feel like eating this." She pushed the tray away from her.

Rika and Aya exchanged worried looks. They knew Tsubaki had not eaten for the past two days.

"I made the roast pork with sesame just for you. I know it's your favorite." 

Tsubaki smiled weakly at Rika. "I just don't feel like eating."

Aya stood up and slammed her fists on the table. "This is ridiculous! We can take the episodes of crying and the sleeplessness but you at least have to eat. We are not leaving this table until you take one bite." She pushed the tray back at Tsubaki.

Tsubaki sighed. Past experience had shown that they were just as stubborn as she was. She knew she had to give in to her friends -- she was too drained to argue with any of them.

She picked up her chopsticks and took the smallest piece of pork. She hadn't realized how hungry she was. Not long after, she was eating the lunch with gusto.

"Now that we've got you eating again, we can deal with your insomnia." 

"Just because I gave in on the food, doesn't mean I'm going to agree to everything, Aya." Tsubaki said in between bites.

Aya raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?" 

"Aya is right. We're worried about you and we want what's best for you." Rika poured a cup of cocoa from her thermos and handed it to Tsubaki. "Please allow us help you."

Tsubaki gratefully took the cup and drank the cocoa. "I think I'm beyond help."

Tsubasa shook her head. "No you're not. What we have experienced right now is a minor setback -- something that can be easily remedied."

Tsubaki snorted. "Easy for you to say."

Tsubasa leaned over until her face was a few inches away from Tsubaki's. "As a matter of fact, it is."

__

I always say the wrong thing. 

Tsubaki looked at Tsubasa. She knew that Tsubasa was also having problems with her stepbrother, Kazuma. They loved each other deeply but, because they were stepsiblings, they couldn't do anything about it. "I'm sorry." 

Tsubasa patted her hand. "It's not your fault. There's nothing we can do about that. But, your problem is something we can solve."

Deep down, Tsubaki was hoping she was right.

***

Tonami managed to avoid bumping into Tsubaki for the past few days -- not that it improved his situation. 

He discovered, with some bitter irony, how hyper-aware he was of Tsubaki's proximity in the school. He couldn't explain it to himself but, now that they were no longer seeing each other, he felt her presence more strongly. 

One time, during gym, while he was waiting for his turn to play, he found himself thinking about her -- he could see her so vividly in his mind: the graceful, yet athletic way she played volleyball; the way she walked; the way she tucked her hair behind her ear...

He missed her.

He accepted that fact sadly. It was a heavy burden on his heart. He couldn't believe he let his pride get in the way of them being together.

He last saw her a week ago when they had that devastating fight. He still winced at the memories of that afternoon in his classroom.

__

I don't know how to get her back. I don't know if I want her back.

The days that followed their argument, he took stock of his feelings. He had felt such pain only one other time in his life -- the time before he left for Okinawa and Tsubaki told him her reasons for being friends with him. 

__

She causes me such pain when I'm with her. 

And yet, without her -- _why does her absence hurt me more?_

Time was all he had left now. 

It had taken him three years to figure out what to do with Tsubaki the first time. He was hoping it wouldn't take as long this time around.

***

"Hey, Asapin. Have you noticed how quiet and distant Tonami has been lately?"

Asaba first looked at Arima, as though to ask permission before turning to face Yukino. "Come to think of it, he hasn't been insulting you as often these days."

Yukino whacked Asaba's arm. "Dummy! I'm serious. He doesn't hang out with us anymore but, I see him around and he looks so... unhappy. Arima, what do you think?"

Tonami Takefumi was not Arima's favorite topic of conversation, especially with his girlfriend. 

"I guess he's taking his separation from Tsubaki hard. It's been over a week now, hasn't it?"

"I wonder if there's anything we can do to help."

Arima couldn't keep the irritation from his voice. "I don't want you to interfere in their business. If you're going to help someone, shouldn't you help Tsubaki? She's _your_ friend." 

Arima paused. He realized he had just raised his voice at Yukino. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bite your head off like that."

Yukino smiled and placed her hand over his. "Don't be. I like it that you're being honest about your feelings." She gave his hand a squeeze. "You don't have anything to worry about it, though. You're the one I love."

Asaba groaned at his friends' display of affection. "I can't believe I'm seeing this! Hey, you two, cut it out. We're supposed to be talking about Tsubaki and Tonami, remember?"

Yukino blushed at Asaba's stern reminder. "Sorry about that. So, how can we help them both?"

Arima smiled at Yukino. _She's so kind-hearted and her intentions are always so sincere. I'm such an undeserving, jealous fool._ "You can talk to them. Try to find out what they're thinking."

Yukino clapped her hands. "That's an excellent idea. I'll go see if I can talk to Tonami." She stood up and blew a kiss at Arima before running off.

Asaba waited until Yukino was safely out of hearing distance before turning to Arima. "Are you okay about this?"

"I guess so."

"Just remember, Tonami Takefumi is not in love with your girlfriend but with your girlfriend's friend. That's pretty obvious."

"And Yukino loves me."

Asaba snorted in mock disgust. "Even I know _that_."

*** 

Somehow her reflexes weren't as quick as they usually were. Tsubaki watched the ball zing pass her. She turned to her teammates and mumbled an apology.

"What's the matter, Tsubaki? Your mind doesn't seem to be on this training game. Are you okay?"

__

No, I'm not and I wish people would just stop asking me if I am. Tsubaki wiped her forehead with her wristband and smiled at her coach. "I just have a lot on my mind right now. I'll do better in the next game."

Tsubaki's volleyball coach shook her head. "No, I think you've had enough for today. You should go home and get some rest. We have a big game coming up and I don't want to have a team captain who'll fall asleep on me."

She hurriedly stuffed her things into her gym bag and waved goodbye to her teammates before leaving the gym.

The air was balmy. It was truly summer. She could hear the crickets chirp in the background. _I guess I'll take the train home._

Usually, after volleyball practice, she was too energized with adrenaline that she walked home. Lately, she felt weak and lethargic. _This is just a phase. I'm sure I'll be back to normal in a day or two._

As she walked to the station, she thought about everything that had happened to her. _I am such an idiot!_ She missed Tonami. She had tried to convince herself that this was not the case but she knew she was fighting a losing battle against herself. She missed him deeply and desperately. 

__

I would give anything to see him right this minute.

She heard footsteps behind her. Her breath suddenly got caught in her throat. She quickly turned around, expecting to see him.

It wasn't Tonami. 

Her shoulders sagged and her feet dragged themselves as she made her way to the train station. _Who was I kidding? He never wants to see me again._

Of their own accord, tears started to trickle down her face. She silently cursed herself as she briskly rubbed her eyes dry. _What's happened to me? _She looked at the crumpled handkerchief in her hand. _I never cry._

"I'm a mess." She was too embarrassed to take the train now. _Guess I'll have to walk home._

She remembered what she said to him. _Don't expect me to fall into pieces for you._ She laughed bitterly. _Stupid Tsubaki. You didn't know what you were saying then. Of course you would fall into pieces for him. You love him._

"I love him."

__

So why was I so resistant to our relationship? Why did I push him away like that?

She knew the answer -- because she was scared of getting hurt; because she was scared of letting people into her heart.

__

And look at what I've done to myself. "God, I'm pathetic."

She didn't want to give up on Tonami. She wanted him back. 

__

But does he want me in return? 

She wished she knew -- it would make things much easier to accept and deal with if she knew how he felt.

***

Tonami watched her exit the gym. He frowned and looked at his watch. _Tsubaki's leaving volleyball practice early today. I wonder why._

Yukino had cornered him at lunch that day and demanded to know what was happening between him and Tsubaki. Even after he had rudely told her to mind her own business, Yukino managed to prod him to talk.

__

I've never seen two more miserable people. Why can't the two of you just see that you long for one another? Yukino's words kept coming back to him for the rest of the afternoon.

__

Does she really miss me? 

He had to find out for himself. He stealthily followed her as she walked home -- glad that it was late enough for him to be able to hide in the shadows when necessary.

He was nearly found out when Tsubaki abruptly turned around. Tonami had managed to run to the alley before she spotted him.

From the distance, he tried to study her. _She doesn't seem to be affected by any of this. Maybe Yukino was making it all up._

And then she started crying.

She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and started to cry. Her slender shoulders shook with her sobs, her hands covering her face.

__

What do I do?

He wanted to walk over to her and take her in his arms. He wanted to comfort her and tell her to stop crying.

Instead, he stood there and silently watched her.

~ to be continued


	6. Part Six

The International Summer Schools ****

Part Six

"She was crying and you walked away?!?"

Tonami's eyes narrowed and he glared at Yukino. Already he was mentally berating himself for telling Yukino what happened to him last Friday. "Why are you yelling it me? As if I could have done something about it."

Yukino stood on tiptoe and whacked Tonami squarely on the side of his head. "That is for being so stubborn." She hit him again. "And this is for making my friend cry."

Yukino was getting ready to hit him a third time but Tonami grabbed her wrist and held it up and away from him. "I'm sorry, okay. I didn't know what to do. I thought you were exaggerating about this."

Yukino twisted her hand from his hold and started to rub her wrist. "You could have walked up to her and apologized. You could have made sure she got home safe by walking home with her." She jabbed her finger into his chest. "You could have done a million things and this would all be over and the two of you would be together right now but you didn't." Yukino huffed. "How dare you accuse me of exaggerating."

Tonami couldn't help but grin. "You really think I'm stupid for not doing something?"

Yukino nodded. "For someone who manages to consistently tie with Arima and me in the quarterly rankings, yes." 

"I'm sorry I disappoint you."

Yukino raised an eyebrow. "Are you really?"

"No. After the way you kept hitting me? No way." Tonami's expression turned serious. "But I am sorry that I didn't do anything when I had the chance."

Yukino reached out and patted his shoulder. "It isn't too late, yet. It's never too late to do something."

Tonami understood what Yukino was driving at. "I hope she gives me another chance."

"Knowing how much she loves you, I'm sure she'll give you a thousand other chances." She winked at him.

***

He found her sitting on the bench beside the drink vending machine, listlessly swirling a drink in her hand. 

Tsubaki tipped the can of green tea carelessly -- not minding that some of the liquid was splashing out and creating spots on her uniform. She sighed. _Where could they be?Aya and Rika were supposed to meet me here ten minutes ago._

She looked up and gasped. _What is he doing here?_

He frowned at the expression of alarm on her face. He took the time to study her intently and his heart ached at the sight of the dark shadows underneath her eyes. _And she's lost so much weight._ He took a deep breath and started to walk toward her.

He stopped and nimbly evaded the can that she had thrown at him.

"What are you doing here?!"

"I've come to talk to you." He resisted the urge to fall on his knees in front of her and beg her forgiveness.

"Funny. I thought we included _everything_ in our last conversation."

He ignored the bitterness in her voice and the fact that she threw back at him the same words he had said to her a week ago.

"Not everything." He sat down beside her and took both her hands in his to prevent her from moving away. He increased the pressure of his hold when she started to squirm and twist her hands free.

"Let go, you're hurting me."

"Yes, I know. I've hurt you so many times in the past week that I've lost count and I don't know where to begin to make amends."

She stopped struggling, stunned by his admission. "You-- you've come to-- apologize to-- me?"

He loosened his hold on her hands. "Yes. If you are willing to listen, I can explain."

Her hands trembled slightly, she swallowed and slowly nodded her head. "Go on, I'm listening."

Tonami took a deep breath. "I was there. Last Friday. You were on your way home and I saw you. I was there when you were crying."

Tsubaki's forehead wrinkled as she tried to make sense of his words. "You were there? But I didn't see anyone. I turned around to see if anyone was following me and no one was there."

Tonami saw distress and bewilderment flash across her face. He couldn't resist it anymore. He let go of her hands and enveloped her in his embrace. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you like that. I just wanted to make you feel what I felt each time you pushed me away. I didn't think it would go this far."

She didn't struggle; she didn't try to pull away -- she was too tired of fighting him; too tired of fighting herself. Her hands slowly inched up his back, feeling his muscles contract with each sob. "I'm sorry for hurting you too, Tonami. I was so afraid to lose you because I loved you so much. I was so afraid." She buried her face in his shoulder, not caring that her tears were soaking his shirt.

He moved to kiss the side of her head. "When I saw you crying last Friday, I wanted to kick myself for causing you so much grief. I only wanted to take care of you and be with you. I was an idiot."

"You aren't the only one, Tonami." Her fingers dug into his back as she moved to press herself closer to him -- wanting to be part of him. "I love you so much, Tonami and I never want to be without you ever."

When he heard her words, he felt healed -- the wounds of the distant past and the wounds of the present fell away. He felt reborn; he felt new; he felt strong. "I love you, too. Tsubaki, you cannot begin to fathom how much I love you."

****

~ End ~


End file.
